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Friday, April 13, 2012

Silence speaks


All the big words of this world,
Have now gone away. On a vacation.
Let me, Now, Explain to you,
What I mean, when I say ‘I Love You’.
Words they say, (those who have them) are crucial.
Where would My Love in that case stand?
On this road, where words offer,
No shelter and no refuge.
Blame the politics.
Of meaning, of subjectivity and the word.
If I fail.

Lesser mortal, lesser words, half evolved phrases,
Define me. Not my love.
The mighty task of pushing the barrier,
For the words that speak for me.
There is stuff that I want to say, I have to say.
Do I need a new vocabulary? What words shall I retain?

I have now been studying the past,
An urge to know words as they were,
Pure unburdened simple and responsive.
Like my Love is. Like my Love shall be.
On the risk of being called,
A drifter, wayward and perhaps
with luck a 'rebel.'

I shall cast out words.
 Those that have now, become holy cows.
Realisation stuck me.
Words have become obsolete.
Not worn out, but tired out,
Waiting to be put to use.

But, then,
How shall I say, what I wish to say?
Perhaps just the same way,
When we sat on the steps,
Desolated statue of Gandhi being the only witness.
Where nothing much was said,
A lot was heard.
Even more was understood.



Saturday, March 3, 2012

Wife Beater

For a moment, I realized
Momentary was the realization,
That I have hurt you, and
None of us are pleased.
Unlike the time,
When both of us were pleased, also exhausted.
Why would I do such a thing?
I claim to be sensible, rational, humane
The line runs out. (Not the adjectives)
With a mighty ego, nestled in the depths
Of my Mind, I’m an actor.
Not acting anymore. But,
Flipping roles.
I do not flinch,
Do not battle my eyelids,
No clues to Sherlocks who eagerly wait,
To tell me. Who I am.
Who am I?
I’m not a wife beater.
That discourse is always for the third person.
I’m … (the adjectives)
For a moment, I realized.
I did realize.
Horror! Horror!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Wrecking my Life

Like a hidden shadow,
Life plays a trick on me.
I am genuinely surprised and,
World cares for the darkness of the shadow.

The wreck, my life is turning into
I take all the credit for the achievement
This wreck, carefully planned and thoughtfully executed,
Shall be my claim for the eternal glory.

While I was planning with care,
How best to present the wreck of my life,
Slouching on the corner was this shadow.
Observing like a vulture, patient and hungry.

I was alive, I did not chase the vulture away,
Loyal I thought the shadow was, bearing witness.
To my workmanship.
Wrecking your life isn't easy,
One begins to get lonely, any company...

A feeling like the smoke of Opium burning,
Light in nature, dense in experience began to engulf me.
I became the Master, practicing an art,
The loyal shadow vulture, I imagined were my apprentice.

I was on a colossal mission, Prometheus of my age,
Wrecking the gift of life.
Moments of despair there were many,
Staggering odds, piled against my success,
Kept me going on, the shadow vulture still patient, still hungry.

It was when the patient loyal shadow,
Began to show impatience,
I was first rattled.
The vulture had come very near.
Its sharp strong beak, reflecting in my eye,
No other image more vivid in my memory.

I could feel the claws, sinking
Into my hollow skin.
The moment of conscience is here.
'When did I become hollow'

Engrossed in the work to wreck, did I
Miss the gentleman in a chariot,
Or on a buffalo, my escort.

Holding close to my memory,
I began searching for the shadow,
In the hope that my fight against myself
Was chronicled.
Shadow is not to be seen,
The vulture however seems to be as loyal
As my apprentice.

On enquiry, after the vulture dug its beak into my throat
(I spoke the language of questions)
The reply hardly surprised me.
I was but a footnote in the Grand scheme,
Of a demonstration.
How not to wreck one's own life.

I sensed the applause, which was welling up,
I was unashamedly curious to know,
Who would take the curtain call,
I had a fair right, (Don't you agree) it was my life,
That was exhibited here.

It was then like the loyal hidden shadow,
Life played a trick on me.
I was genuinely surprised and,
World was interested in the darkness of the shadow.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

For the sake of records,

For the sake of records,
I'm silent because, language speaks against me.

It seems the value has been reduced,
Of words and their status,
Also the assumptions are clear,
Involvement is the proof of guilt.
I'm destined to be a predicate,
No complaints the dice has been cast.

Memories were always a problem, particularly now,
Ethics seem to be its new crush.
Brutal have been my dreams,
Outraged, I am. Confused,
If they are ethical or personal.
My dreams i mean.

Muted my protest sounds effeminate and,
I'm tired to lend strength of voice.
My conscience in perpetual friction calls me "The Other"
I am not stingy.
I return the compliment, a retort laced with a smile,
'So are you'
The unsaid words are left to the silence.
Wishing the void never discovers the entry.
And then, Silence springs a surprise,
Voices the word 'Coward.'
Both of us believe its for "the other".

The attempts to mask have never been typical,
Outcome however is typified.
Encroaching space, I laminate my Ego.
Failing to notice, the bruise.
Already suffered.
My ego now shall hold a proof,
For time, for people and spectators.
As always laughter pervades, I'm choked.
I laugh and thus I escape.
Bartering my soul again for freedom, momentary.
The laminated bruise smiles, holding testimony.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

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.


Claims are here again.
Why are they here, I am unaware.
'No you know, this is your history'
Who speaks now?

Confusion, Calamity and Catastrophe
All words begin with C.
I smile at my logic, smile grows to a grin.
'Grim and Grin are separated by one alphabet'
Who spoke now? Why am I grim?

I am reading theory, I understand theory.
What confuses me? This Voice.
'Which voice the voice that speaks or the one that haunts?'

Why does it haunt me?
I'm an atheist. I am an existentialist.
I'm here and I live here. Not bound anywhere, not going anywhere.
Good Bad Ugly these bring to my memory Sergio Leone.

By not believing in Good, I disqualify Bad to impose its faith.
Yet the voice haunts me.

I am studying Etymology and Genealogy.
The voice grows stronger,
I begin to fail my dreams.
Being scared seems to me a luxury.
The voice now reveals itself.
I am in love with my ignorance, the pain continues.

I seek guidance, I am sheltered.
Now is the moment to be afraid,
Truth is offered on a platter.
I'm not hungry, I am sick, I wish to retch.

The voice takes a pity, decides to leave.
My conscience is going along.
Oh, they left. I'm in a vacuum, I'm told,
Eyes closed, I see a note.

Carefully placed, beautifully written,
One line there is, waiting for me.
'I am The Subaltern, trying to speak through cracks of your soul.
For long I waited to be heard,
When you wouldn't,
I spoke and you were haunted.'
 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Inspired by a line of Peter Drucker.


I am a war veteran, I am 23 years old. I have a bullet hole in my left thigh and a scar in my mind. My mother never forgets to remind me that the hole will heal; she is silent about the scar. The story is not about me or about the ongoing war. I am only the narrator, not the omnipotent or the omnipresent one. Just a situational one, no theories of “centre”, “collective unconsciousness” or the “author’s death” cast an influence on my narration.
He is 17 years, 11 months and 29 days. One day away from being an adult. He is my brother. This is his story.
He is very excited. Why shouldn’t he be? He no longer will be a kid. He can do so many things; things which he was unable to and not permitted to do. In his own words, he is now, “...a bird ready to fly and challenge the sky.”
He is fond of me. No, that does not explain his feelings towards me. He idolises me. It is a very strange emotion to deal with. The society keeps me away because I am an iconoclast.
I am his icon. “Fate must have studied literature. How else could it give such a valid example for the concept of irony?
He wants to do everything that I have done. “Big brother” to him, does not bring the Orwellian images of terror. [He confessed this to me, after I gifted him Orwell’s 1984]. Our family isn’t very rich. His demands had to pass through the ‘two layer’ truth test advocated by our father.Can the demand be satisfied with present resources? Is it the right time to satisfy?
I had my privileges. Being the eldest son was definitely the best. Unfortunately he had very few privileges compared to me. [Yet, I was his icon]. He referred to my father’s truth tests as, The left over condition. If a demand could be met (not satisfied) with leftovers. The gestation period. [I had objected to the adverb. Things happening at the right time, according to my father.
His eagerness of becoming an adult is quite palpable, I believe. To support his restlessness I should probably recount few of the key events that fuelled his desire to become an adult. He played by rules, never once breaking the word taken from him.
He wanted to go to the trip that his friend has planned. It was like the “motorcycle diaries” that he love so much. Everybody had given their consent. He had his luggage ready and was ready to leave. My father wanted him to take my grandmother’s blessings, he went there. The trip went ahead without him. Granny refused to let him go until he was 18.
Few months later or earlier, I am not sure; he went to our father and asked for a two wheeler. Father put his demand under the “two condition” test. He was permitted to use my bicycle when he would be 18, for his new college- Right time.
He went to the house of the man who lives at the end of our street and asked his permission to take his daughter to watch ‘The Tempest’. The daughter was eager but her father didn’t share the same eagerness. So he came back with a one line reply. “You are still a kid. Not even 18.”
It was the same, when he went to the local pub. The bartender was happily serving martinis- dry, shaken and cocktails to his last bench classmates but he was denied champagne to celebrate his scholarship.
He was never allowed to get our mother a gift on her birth day. She used to remind him well in advance that he was still a kid and not an adult; he should save money for himself. He felt good only after Mother promised him that she would demand many things from him once he grows up to be an adult.
Strange is the way the plot of our life is written. We await the climax and the anti climax with the same eagerness knowing nothing of the surprise it has in store for us.
He celebrated his eighteenth birth day, amidst an anti- air- raid siren. The war has been going on for more than three months in our city and for over a year at our Border. Nobody really cared about the siren, not us, today at least.
Father showed him a receipt of a new cycle which was booked in his name.
Mother demanded that she should have a cashmere sweater for this year’s thanks giving.
The pretty girl’s father accepted the cake he offered and in turn gave him a bottle of wine.
He, along with his friends went to the local pub which opened only during the day (as its lights would give away the location and attract air-raids) and had scotch and whiskey. The bar owner served champagne to him and declared it to be on the house.
Night was heavy, with dreams rolled into it. It inched slowly towards the day. When it met Day, it seems Night whispered about how much important the Day was.
Day arrived, true to the anticipation, with a clear sky, cool breeze, sun shine- everything was so perfect. He was up running around like mercury just released from its glass vial.
It was then that the post man came. I was the one who received the letter. It was to my father, had a state seal embossed and was inscribed URGENT. I called out to father. He was surprised and asked me to read it. I opened the envelope. My fingers started trembling. I dropped the letter.
I called out for him. Mother said he had gone for a bath. There was a gush of wind and the letter was preparing to take off along with it. Today and yesterday had put so much of enthusiasm in me that I pushed my wheelchair towards the letter, manoeuvred my wheelchair, pushed my toes and stood on my feet, bent down and retrieved the letter. All this happened in a second. I wanted to tell him that I stood up on my feet after three months.
Yet the letter seemed important and hence, I opened it. It read, “...Mr...your son, Mr...has reached the age of eighteen and is henceforth summoned to join the armed forces in ongoing war against the enemies...”
I am not sure if I will ever stand again.
“To grow up was to be sent to the Border” – Peter Drucker